Thursday, January 19, 2006

Inflatable Woman, stay away from meee-eee

It's Judy!Here's one of my favorite stupidities, courtesy of a 1970's men's magazine (the kind with a lot of black & white pictures of topless women with no pubic hair, gritty stories of masculine glory, and black bars over people's eyes because they didn't want their modeling careers to be torpedoed by having appeared here)... Inflate-a-Mates. You gotta be one lonely puppydog to want to get down with the vinyl, though it seems I know some people in real life who own and use them. Er, let's not think about that image. I love this ad because it's so over-the-top in its descriptions of why you life isn't complete without a Blow-Me-Up-Suck-Me-Off-Suzy doll, or in this case Judy, The Love Maid. (Click her to view at 1066x1573, if you dare.) Let's pick apart the advertising copy for laughs:

• Lifelike in every detail! Except the ones one actually seeks in a date, beside submission.
• Dress her up and let her serve! Can those inflatable arms hold a tray?
• Dress her down and keep her at home! Yeah, like you'd be seen in public with her...
• Dress her for bed if you have the nerve! She ain't gonna do it for you.
• The most realistic, lifelike companion you'll ever own! Now that is sad. This like the gamer geeks of today who'd rather look at porn online than go on a date. Okay, if you get hung up on the word "own", let's change the example to preferring a Tamagochi to a real dog or cat.
• She was made to please you! Quite literally.
• Judy feels smooth and almost too human! I wonder what Tom Hanks in Castaway would have done had this washed up onshore instead of a volleyball. Er, scratch that, I'm low on brain-bleach. If you can confuse Judy for a human, you've got some issues.
• Accept no imitation! Dudes? She is an imitation.
• Over 100,000 people own one! And may we never meet them after 6pm.
• Judy's ready for action!... Entertaining, surprising accomidating. AND VINYL.
• Your Love Maid was created to fulfill your ever wish! Make me a sammich!
• She'll follow you into the pool, tub, or shower! And she can be used as a flotation device.
• She's not scared of anything! Except cacti, pins, and cats' claws.
• If after 10 days you aren't satisfied, return her for a refund! Ya know, I'd hate to work in the Receiving dock of that business. "This package is dripping!"
• Wardrobe! For only $4 more you can own some women's intimate attire. Now people can mistake you for really having a social life if they see her negligee laying on your bedroom floor. Let's hope your guests don't open the closet door.
• Pictures shown are of the actual model from which the doll was fashioned! Caviat emptor, the box will be more exciting than the contents.

Judy is perfect if you've always wanted to hit the hay with Barbra Streisand, circa Funny Girl. And with that 10 day satisfaction guarantee, you can send her back around the time you're tired of her constant nagging (or have chafed yourself to the point of losing your libedo for another six months). And honestly, if you've priced sex dolls at Castle Superstore lately, you know this is a bargain; $8.95 verses the $75 for a figure with "French and Greek openings" and no outfits that doesn't look like a sexy human female, and the only thing you'll find in the under-$15 price range is the inflatable sheep (for gag and amusement purposes only) if it's on sale. I do wonder about this: how many guys paid the extra buck for rush shipping?
Ariel - was this what you had in mind when you saw "Mushy's sick thoughts" last post?

Good grief!! Is finding a real woman to go out with really THAT hard? I don't think so.
Well, remember, this was 1971 -- guys who read "International Stud" Magazine didn't have the Internet. :) I totally agree with you, JD, it's as though some people make no effort to mingle.

Another thing that cracks me up is that these products weren't advertised as jokes, novelties, or whatever -- they were totally serious about how sexy these items were. In the future I'll post a scan of a vibrator ad that is *totally not sexual* that came from that same publication. What hoops were these guys jumping?
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