Monday, March 20, 2006

It's a great day for crimes against nature (like bad names for your kids)

Stupidity from a few years ago, brought to mind by Jamie Dawn's blog entry of March 19 2006, "Gay As The Driven Snow"... One day while I was in college I was sitting around with my squeeze of the time and a group of people, and Bambi who worked in financial aid remarked that someone she worked with was "as worthless as tits on a whore" [as opposed to boar] and my girlfriend and I just kind of looked at each other funny. Her first comment was, "wouldn't tits on a whore be an asset?" And yes, that woman's given name was Bambi. Yesterday I was browsing someone's family photos online (amazing what you can find by blind driving in Google) and the wife of the photographer was named Fanci. Fanci?! Now I have that damn Reba McIntire song stuck in my head.

Here's a breaking news story out of the area I grew up. A woman is in the pokey for attacking her boyfriend with a saw last week, which is a felony. The Tacky Tourist Perhaps the reason why she went on a rampage is more interesting: She came home and found her man in an intimate act with her cat. (I have a hard time picturing this because cats have those sharp things at the ends of their four flailing legs called 'claws'.) Bestiality is only a misdemeanor, so he was cited and released; I bet the cat is unhappy with that outcome. She may be taking the heat (and I wish her well), but he has gotta live the rest of his life branded a catf*cker... and as a relative of mine asked, how could she not have suspected previous to this that he had a few loose bats in his belfrey?

Quickie: In the men's restroom at work there are two 2-roll toilet paper dispensers in the left stall, and over the weekend some barbarian used his brute strength to rip one of them open and broke the latch that holds it closed but the back is still bolted to the wall, so its contents are hanging open. What's a cleaning crew to do? Restock the paper and ignore the problem. Don't know if was the sight of new paper in the broken-open dispenser that cracked me up, or the fact that half the paper on both of those rolls has been used.

Speaking of giving kids bad names, that's one of my favorite jokes. I like making up odd names, but weirder ones keep showing up in real life. There honestly are two little girls named Cream and Sugar in my neighborhood. And they aren't twins. Someone nearby actually named their kid Emeraud, like the perfume (who never forgets you're a woman), and I'm sure somewhere out there there's an Enjolie (she can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan...) but I'll let you know when she surfaces. My math teacher in school named his twins Trinda and Tonda, which is not so much weird as unique, but combined with their older sister (my classmate) Brenda, hmmm. I saw that this couple (on a site which discussed placenta-eating, go figger) named their son Toffee. Years ago I created twin names years ago, Hidea and Hellacia, and I get grins from those around me from them, but one of my other fun names isn't so much fun anymore because I work with someone named that and it broke my heart: LaTrina. No, that person's last name isn't Potté.

The Bambi thing cracked me up. It brought to mind my Uncle Orville's third or fouth wife whose name was Bambi. They would come to our family reunions and he would play guitar and she would sing. She wore a Dolly Parton type wig. The whole scenario was a fright. My kids remember this because it wasn't too many years ago that she was with him at a couple of reunions. I'm not sure who he's married to now. I'll have to ask my mother if she knows.
My son actually wrote an essay for school about his Uncle Orville. He was so enthralled by this man who had a cigarette going at all times and several beer cans around him at all times and whose nose had been partially bitten off in a bar fight years ago.
So, put Orville & Bambi together... CRAZY stuff!

The cat thing is hitonious to the max!
Child rapists should be locked up and the key thrown away. Cat rapists should just be shot.

Courtney babysits brothers whose names are Rivers and Brewer.
My Uncle Jess named one of his daughters (from his third wife) Hope Divine. That was during his ultra-religious phase.
I could have an entire blog devoted only to my family on my mother's side.
Wow... Yes, you do have some stories to tell. Orville & Bambi sound like a kick in the pants, the people to watch at family reunions. :)

A science fiction writer of note said that his complaint about science fiction is the assumption that we will lose our good sense when naming children. Read samples of most sci-fi for evidence. To a degree this is already happening, giving kids first names that resemble town names or last names, or misspelling existing names... and then there's invented Black names. Then there's hippy-sh!t names, like Sunshine. I became acutely aware of the naming problem when one of my neice's friends was named Cynamin.
I recently saw a cute movie where this man knocks up ladies in various states and then brings the babies to his mother to raise. She ends up raising three granddaughters named Maine, Carolina & Georgia.
That thing with the cat was sick. They should really have something like with child molesters that they go house to house to all the cat owners and introduce themselves as what they are. I'm serious. Or how about just throwing him in a lion's den?
Little known germany trivia: the German office where births (and names) are registered only accepts approved names. If they dont approve the name you chose, which sometimes happens, you have to fight them in court, and you dont always win.
How 'bout twin boys Orangelou and LeMongelou?

Aside from the spelling phonetically they are orange and lemon jello
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