Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Talkin' Sh!t: Beware of Potty Mouth

[The title is fair warning... we're gonna talk about excretia. The picture of a 1954 Ford Atmos I scanned out of an ancient Car Life Magazine hasn't anything to do with what follows, I just figured you might wanna see what the future was supposed to look like — including the shish-kebabs on the front. Makes driving more like jousting! Will make slow drivers get your point! Great for spear-fishing Bambi when driving through national forests! Form will mean so much more than function in the future... oh wait, the prediction articles that said cars would look like this claimed we'd be driving one of these by 1985, and they'd be nuclear powered. 'The Jetsons' and World's Fair 1962 "Century 21" views of the future has failed us. At least the gas-electric hybrids they were talking about in the 1950's have finally come to market, fifty years later, and 'ethyl' gasoline made a comeback.]

Since time immemorial, Man has been playing with his feces. Not a practice I condone, but you never know what goodies you'll find. Copralite jewelry (made of dinosaur dung) is all the rage, and years ago a roadside fruit stand near my home was selling swizzle-sticks with (plastic-coated) moose droppings on the ends. But that's all fun and games. Stupidity is doing malevalent things with it. Anyone who has worked with the unwashed public has noticed this when they step into the restroom and mess the place up bad. Heck, it happens in the corporate sector, where there are doors to buzz or enter a code for entry.

When I was working for a certain Internet provider, we had a phenomenon called The Mad Crapper. We were really concerned about building management putting a video camera on the wall facing the water fountain between the two restroom doors, but we were told it was to cut down on the number of times people would take a dump in the middle of the floor in the men's room. Coworkers who were there before me attested that there was some person crapping right there in the middle of everything. And I worked with these people. I've heard of that here in Cellular-land too... the other day one of my female coworkers came from the upstairs restroom and said someone had made a huuuuge crappy mess all over the handicap stall, it was everywhere. '54 Ford Atmos This as said was on the third floor of a secure building. Always a good feeling to know someone you work with makes pigs look downright sanitary.

The worst I ever encountered was when I worked for a library system as a janitor. My wife always tells me that women don't pee on the floor and have more respect for facilities than men, which I might believe since I haven't any ability to use the average women's lav (and judging by the swampy floor around the urinal at my work). The pee part was easy to disprove because she admitted some women don't want to sit on a dubious toilet seat, and hover or squat instead, thus spraying the seat and making it even more dubious. This one instance at a library totally proved her wrong on other functions. I was only asked one question when I applied for this job: "can you handle feces smeared on walls?" I went into this library's ladies' room with my cart of cleaning supplies one night and went to the far stall... I don't know how she did it. There was a five or six foot long streak of diarrhea which ran around a corner, at the four-foot high level. The person had to have spin-jumped and let go, or stood on the toilet (which didn't have a lid, mind you) and quickly rotated. The mental image of accomplishing this paint job boggled me. I stood there in awe for a solid ten minutes taking this in scene. It'd dried like that. What to do... Double-glove and grab the oven cleaner, which would kill the germs and loosen it up quick without scrubbing. Sorry if I done grossed you out but you shoulda seen it. I was laughing in amazement the whole time I did this (and any smell was killed by the pungent oven cleaner) that I didn't even think about what it was I was cleaning up. happy place, happy place...

To end on a much sweeter note: I received the large Astro-Logix Glow set that I bought on eBay today, and have been playing with it at work. I'm enjoying the hell out of it. But I realized this little bit of stupidity as I was driving along with the box... I bought it for $4.00 and paid $4.50 for shipping, but the postal cancellation on the box says that it cost $6.55 to send. This means that after eBay listing fees and PayPal merchant charges, the seller was paid $1.50 for the item... and I'm pretty sure it was originally obtained for more than that. Yeah, I've had that happen to me before (charged $3.00 for shipping but the rate turned out to be $3.85 or more) but rarely by so much on such a small amount. AAAAAAAAA++++++ positive feedback to you!

I read part of this before. I think it must have been in your Daybook or something. It still GETS me! YUCKY!!!
My parents like to tell of a time they were in San Fran for dinner with friends. They were walking around after dinner, and decided to find a public restroom. They said there was poop piled up in the sink and on the floor, and the toilet was filled to overflowing with feces as well.
Of course, no one used the bathroom, but they all had to take a peek at it since no one had ever seen anything like that before.
Beavis & Butthead reference:

(cloud rises above the stadium)
You have desecrated my temple.
You offend me.
(cloud flies up, two huge dumps of brown drop and fill stadium)

Yeah, you read it in the Daybook. I'm recycling at times... the pain of already having a forum for my words, which I've been neglecting of late.

Poo remaining in the potty is hidious. Poo (at all) in the sink... okay, that is hitonious. The conversation your parents and crew had must have been priceless: "I've never seen sh!t mounded quite like that before... how did the person wash their hands if they filled the basin with it?" Muahahaha!
I recycle old posts, especially when it fits in with whatever I'm posting about at the moment.
A good story is worth retelling. I listened to my grandpa tell the same stories many times, and I wish I could hear him tell them to me again.

The phrase "potty mouth" is okay when it's used to describe bad language. But, actual potty mouth would mean that potty is in or on the mouth, and that would not be okay.
OK Mush, don't tell anyone I said this, but I went into the ladies room once by accident and didn't notice until I came out. The building I worked in switched the rooms on one of the floors, and I didn't know that, and no one I was with bothered to tell me. They asked me how it was in there. Fortunately it must have just been cleaned. No shocks like you described.
In return, similar happened to me. Every year I go to this Christmas crafts festival at a high school in another town, and every year the students decorate the vestibule betweeen the main entrance and the gym where the goodies are, and also in that vestibule are the restrooms... result being the signs get covered. Last time I was there I turned right when I came out of the gym and went into the bathroom, which was all stalls without urinals. I did my business anyway, and I didn't see anyone coming or going though I know there were some people in stalls. Yeah, it was the ladies' room, no harm done. Possibly the only time the thought of going into a high school girls' restroom didn't give me a bump of adrenelin.
My dad did that at a rest stop once. He had no idea he was in the ladies room, but he was perplexed about the lack of urinals. He went into the stall and then someone came in to the one next to him. He noticed the shoes and knew instantly what he'd done. He said he waited until he was sure no one was in there and he scurried out.
oh Indie, I wonder what dark secrets like that hide behind your tame surface yet...

taking shit at places where it is not supposed to be taken or smearing it on different surfaces must be a thrill to more people than what is healthy. I wonder what stories like that are in YOUR history, Mushroom, or are you saying that you are one to talk about it but never to do? :-P
Ariel: Yes, I have some stories of my own, but not as outright gross as the above... I've not done any bathroom business that would offend the general public. specific targetted individual perhaps, and only by luck and chance, but I'll save that story for later. :)
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