Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Goodbye, Earl
I'm getting into a strange mood. I've talked to too many people that do not listen, do not think, have not learned anything about the toys that they own, do not do what they promised to do, or do not act as instructed when they seek my help. Since I'm not a malevalent person and in today's society people get paranoid if you use empty stock phrases like "I'm gonna kill you", 
I'm trying to come up with new ways to express that someone really needs to be horsewhipped that won't get you summarily fired or picked up by the secret police for terroristic threats. The one I keep using is, This person needs to be maimed by bears. If it's particularly egregious an offense, I specify what species of bear should be involved and whether they should be fully devoured, partially consumed, or merely mauled beyond recognision. [Disclaimer: I don't actually have tight connections with any ursine creatures bearing Frequent Flyer Miles, so this one just sounds good. Bruno here is just a friend of a friend.] I've come up with one I'm going to use when it seems appropriate, This person needs to invest in rural real estate. It's cryptic, and I like that. (Ariel: "buying the farm" is a fun term for dying suddenly.) I think punt the pail for kicking the bucket is cute and concise, and could be used on mute -- "dammit, dude, just punt the pail!" People I know speak of wanting to throw chlorine into the gene pool, and that's pretty cool; though I refuse to watch Survivor I have been known to stop, point with my whole right arm, and exclaim, "You, off my island!" (Does anyone still quote The Weakest Link... "You are the weakest link; goodbye!"?) I'm not sure when I'll need off the cliff, NOW! and if I could think of a comical way to go such as sic 'em, ice weasels! I'd be using that. (Is that too close to the old "faster, pussycat! kill! kill!" yet less direct?) It's not often I feel that strongly, so for the most part I wind up quoting the contest entries from the undersides of soda caps and candy wrappers: Sorry, you are NOT a winner, please play again. 
There was a cartoon I loved years ago which summed it up this way, after the carnivorous monster ate rocks as an appetizer and broke its teeth: So sorry to hear; please go starve elsewhere.
I make no claim that this is a good entry, but it is cathartic. Share your favorite homegrown euphemism for "I wish you torment equal to or greater than what you have given me" if you've got one.
Trivial thought/picture I felt like sharing: A few months ago I was walking through the local antique store and came across an intact book of paper dolls, featuring George Herbert Walker Bush [US president, 1988-1992, "Pappy"], his wife Barbara, their dog Millie, and their grandchildren. Their six kids are mysteriously absent. Submitted here are the three children of Jeb Bush [Florida governor, 1999-present, "The Enabler"]: John 'Jebby' [fun guy], Noelle [rehabbed crackhead], and low-profile George Prescot [not the US president George Walker Bush, 2000-2008, "Huge Mistake"]. When I first saw this, I wasn't aware that the Bush clan all named their kids the same things so I thought the Jeb and George here were the sons of Pappy, not the grandsons by Gov. Jeb. (BTW, Curious George's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara [partygirl heirs to the Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie legacy if they lose half their body weight and the other half their minds], are portrayed as babies in white frilly frocks.) I wonder if there are paper dolls about the current First Family available.
I'm trying to come up with new ways to express that someone really needs to be horsewhipped that won't get you summarily fired or picked up by the secret police for terroristic threats. The one I keep using is, This person needs to be maimed by bears. If it's particularly egregious an offense, I specify what species of bear should be involved and whether they should be fully devoured, partially consumed, or merely mauled beyond recognision. [Disclaimer: I don't actually have tight connections with any ursine creatures bearing Frequent Flyer Miles, so this one just sounds good. Bruno here is just a friend of a friend.] I've come up with one I'm going to use when it seems appropriate, This person needs to invest in rural real estate. It's cryptic, and I like that. (Ariel: "buying the farm" is a fun term for dying suddenly.) I think punt the pail for kicking the bucket is cute and concise, and could be used on mute -- "dammit, dude, just punt the pail!" People I know speak of wanting to throw chlorine into the gene pool, and that's pretty cool; though I refuse to watch Survivor I have been known to stop, point with my whole right arm, and exclaim, "You, off my island!" (Does anyone still quote The Weakest Link... "You are the weakest link; goodbye!"?) I'm not sure when I'll need off the cliff, NOW! and if I could think of a comical way to go such as sic 'em, ice weasels! I'd be using that. (Is that too close to the old "faster, pussycat! kill! kill!" yet less direct?) It's not often I feel that strongly, so for the most part I wind up quoting the contest entries from the undersides of soda caps and candy wrappers: Sorry, you are NOT a winner, please play again. 
There was a cartoon I loved years ago which summed it up this way, after the carnivorous monster ate rocks as an appetizer and broke its teeth: So sorry to hear; please go starve elsewhere. I make no claim that this is a good entry, but it is cathartic. Share your favorite homegrown euphemism for "I wish you torment equal to or greater than what you have given me" if you've got one.
Trivial thought/picture I felt like sharing: A few months ago I was walking through the local antique store and came across an intact book of paper dolls, featuring George Herbert Walker Bush [US president, 1988-1992, "Pappy"], his wife Barbara, their dog Millie, and their grandchildren. Their six kids are mysteriously absent. Submitted here are the three children of Jeb Bush [Florida governor, 1999-present, "The Enabler"]: John 'Jebby' [fun guy], Noelle [rehabbed crackhead], and low-profile George Prescot [not the US president George Walker Bush, 2000-2008, "Huge Mistake"]. When I first saw this, I wasn't aware that the Bush clan all named their kids the same things so I thought the Jeb and George here were the sons of Pappy, not the grandsons by Gov. Jeb. (BTW, Curious George's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara [partygirl heirs to the Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie legacy if they lose half their body weight and the other half their minds], are portrayed as babies in white frilly frocks.) I wonder if there are paper dolls about the current First Family available.
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I think the paper dolls are funny. I wonder if there's a George Prescott Bush action figure available?
Your talk of bears mauling people remnded me of a Bible story. I've been thinking of posting a post about some of the weird Bible stories I learned about when I was young. Some are REALLY disturbing like when some kids were making fun of Elisha's bald head and then were mauled to death by bears. Praise the Lord!
I can't think of any funny "why don't you just die" comments. Yours are great!
Your talk of bears mauling people remnded me of a Bible story. I've been thinking of posting a post about some of the weird Bible stories I learned about when I was young. Some are REALLY disturbing like when some kids were making fun of Elisha's bald head and then were mauled to death by bears. Praise the Lord!
I can't think of any funny "why don't you just die" comments. Yours are great!
The tall guy there IS George Prescott Bush. It's his chimp uncle that we need to see.
My Sunday School teacher back in the day was a shiny-headed man and he'd always cite the Elisha story.
My Sunday School teacher back in the day was a shiny-headed man and he'd always cite the Elisha story.
One of the ministers I knew growing up had a strong dislike for so-called faith healers who preached that everyone would be healed if they would only get rid of all the sin in their lives and have lots of faith.
This minister once said, "I hope they all die of a cold."
I remember cracking up about that.
This minister once said, "I hope they all die of a cold."
I remember cracking up about that.
thanks, Mushy, I'm gonna be real careful when Americans offer me farms to buy!
I like a lot "You, out off my island!", I've never watched those Surviver shows, so it's new to me, and the rest is really good, too. finally you're gonna speak an interesting language at work... :-)
if they sold small politician dolls over here, I'd buy some to finish them in terrible ways!
Jamie, that minister cracks me up, too.
I like a lot "You, out off my island!", I've never watched those Surviver shows, so it's new to me, and the rest is really good, too. finally you're gonna speak an interesting language at work... :-)
if they sold small politician dolls over here, I'd buy some to finish them in terrible ways!
Jamie, that minister cracks me up, too.
Ariel: Ergo why that graphic I have on Say Something Cryptic is funny, the 1920's clipart that says "Buy A Little Farm!" :) I like the picture of the couple, they're both pretty funny. I chose to make that photo an 'extra' that isn't on Laughter is the Spackle of the Soul but shows up in other related places (the screensaver, the Win9x bootscreen, here) because it's so cool that other people see it and immediately come up with an interpretation, thus I don't have to. :)
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