Everyday Stupidities

Thank you!! I was hoping you'd be a fascinating luncheon companion, but little did I dream you'd be regaling me with the consistancy of your bowel movements!
-- The Frantics, "A Piece Of Pie"

<-- Look, a Pepto-Bismol pink car! It's for sale.

The state of my innards (thanks for asking) is really bizarre. Ever since last Thursday stuff has been flying out my exhaust port, but not in a consistant manner. I keep seeing dinner but not breakfast, go figger. Warning: This blog entry is what the Internet was created for. My intestinal schedule has been such:
Thursday: didn't know there was a problem until I spent a lot of time in Idle purging my bowels.
Friday: Everything was fine all day, then when I got home from work at 10pm I went out to dinner with my wife and her sister. Afterwards spent an hour or so in the bathroom of a 24 hour Wal-Mart while they shopped for clothes.
Saturday: Not a thing came out of me beside wind. I figured my intestines were reloading from being totally voided... and realized I'd not soon need one of those colon cleaner products they advertise in infomercials.
Sunday: Figured all was well again, or until night fell and I was in the john on and off. Was able to identify components of the fajita I'd had at Applebee's hours prior (and was surprised the cilantro was intact) so once again my tubing is empty.
Monday: Took the day off from work, went to the doctor, the lab asked for a stool sample... and I was flat empty. Spent 20 minutes in the office trying, nothin', and the lab was going to close in an hour so it's now or later. I want to know what's up now! not in several days. It took 12 hours before I had anything to offer (that's 3am when the need awoke me and kept my attention for awhile).
Tuesday: Nothing out of me so far but my guts and kidneys hurt slightly, so I'm squirming a bit... and I'm a little nauseous. Dropped off my little gift at the lab so they can enjoy it.

Aren't you glad to be reading this? Hopefully the lab/doctor will get back to me soon with an explanation of what's going on so we can remedy it, it's really distracting. As my wife said (who also seems to be having tummy trouble), having churning guts runs counter to going to a food festival so this had better pass by the weekend. And yes, I will be going. More importantly to me, driving two hours and hanging around with friends after that runs counter to having to visit the restroom frequently. At right is a photo of my old friend Richard, half of the "Corny & Horny" as we were known in elementary school, one of the assclowns who didn't bother showing up for the reunion cuz he preferred to sit in his room and get stoned; don't let the hair fool you -- he gets more tail than a toilet seat. (How's that for a segueway?)

Traveling out of my gut and into the real world: I've seen something really annoying on teevee lately, mostly perpetrated by the Ford Motor Company but I'm sure others are guilty too. There are these ads praising cars as revolutionary gas savers with numbers like 27!!! miles per gallon, 28!!! miles per gallon, ZOMFG 30 miles per gallon!!LOLROTFLMAO!! ... er, those are low figures, what the hell is up with this promotion? Those numbers are not revolutionary, they're sort of embarassing. My 2002 Saturn SL1 gets 34-37 highway miles to the gallon but no one goes apeshit over it. (Speaking of, some of the new Saturn models for 2007 look awesome but don't get good gas mileage, hmmm.) As those fine upstanding gentlemen in Public Enemy advised us, don't believe the hype.

You're the Betty Crocker of the bathroom! -- ibid.