Saturday, January 27, 2007

upsetting the buckets of stupid

I've got so much Stupidity to share the I'm jumping in early (or actually making this blog's biweekly entry for the first time in months). First, an explanation of the graphic. On Thursday some advertising drones came by and put hangers on people's doors, and by some odd twist they put three up on my knob. I took them down around 2pm on Friday. triplicate plus one When I went out the front door two hours later, on Friday around 4pm, there was a new one!

Last night I was cruising through job listings on Misunderstood Differently-Created Creature Dot Com when I hit on something nearby, good pay scale, and workable timeframe, and decided I wanted to make today the day with this listing. Whatever business this be is being represented by the agency Rectangulon, so I click on their Blue Oyster Cult-inspired inverted question-mark logo to apply. Rectangulon's application site comes up and informs me that I need to answer some preliminary questions first. Okilydokily. Nothing too difficult...
• Are you legally able to work in this country? Sí.
• Can you prove it? Da!
• Had any customer service experience? A wee bit.
• Had any management experience? No, but this is a phone drone job.
• Ever seen a movie about gladiators, been in a Turkish prison, or seen a grown man naked? I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
• Have you ever been fired from a job for misconduct? This has happened.
• Is that your final answer, or do you need to contact a lifeline? I'm locking in with that answer, Bill, now show me the money!

I clicked Next, and screen comes up telling me that there was a problem with my answers and I should click the link at the top of the page to try the Cosmo self-quiz again. (It reminded me of the HR person for an it's-sales-but-we-won't-admit-it's-sales job awhile back, who when I answered No clearly to a question she said "That's a Yes?") Second verse, same as the first. This time I click on Next, and I could hear that "wha-wha-whaaaaa" music: the screen now informed me that I wasn't the kind of candidate they were looking for. Rectangulon was chapping my ass for being honest without there being a human to review my responses! My theory is that they have no issue with job-hoppers who quit everything they start, but if you got canned for anything which might be considered misconduct (which is a pretty broad term)? Logic also dictates that if I say I've never been fired on my application, it will get me the interview but then the fact will come out in the interview or research, and then I'll really be a bad guy in their eyes. So the website impersonaly said 'bugger off, highly skilled scumbucket'. I seethed for a bit, wished a pox on their six facets, and after much happy browsing I went to bed.
So come the dawn I checked my email because I'd replied to a job interest request from some worthwhile agency (which 29 hours later still hasn't replied to me, hmm) and there was an email from someone at Rectangulon. She said something about how I'd applied for a job through them weeks ago (I must have been sniffing glue if I ever applied to the travel company they were mentioning) and that since they couldn't suit me with that one they wanted to offer a temp gig a few miles down the road. Hmm, okay, gimme an interview next week. Funny that they dismissed me without ever finding out a thing about my skillz the night before.
Double-ironic: The gig I'm being interviewed for is through LiveBridge @ $12.50/hr, a company which as you read some weeks back offended me by being firm that they only paid techies $7-$9. (Admittedly the two jobs are in different cities and different counties, but it's the same company and only about 40 miles apart.) I can only hope that Monday morning the douchebag that was supposed to get in touch with me today calls to say he'd gagged on a bagel so wasn't in the office on Friday, and ask if I'd still be interested in that $15/hr permanent position he mentioned.

I have wanted to send my dear friend Ariel a box of candy for about a year now. They just don't have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in her neighborhood. Actually, I've sent her boxes of candy and stuff on a couple occasions but they never get to her home in Budapest, Hungary. (It's a known issue that Magyar Posta loses a lot of packages, though they deny any responsibility.) So we agreed that I would send her the sweets by UPS. I bundled up ten bucks' worth of Reese's candies of all sorts, plus a bunch of Brown & Haley goodies because I live in Tacoma, Washington, and went to the UPS office. And they break it down for me: I can send this box by the United States Postal Service (that thing I'm trying to avoid) for $8, plus $2 because a UPS store is handling this, or I can indeed send it by UPS for a cost of $167 -- I guess they wanted me to buy it a plane ticket. Much to my dismay, I chose the cheaper route. Good luck on getting your candy, Ariel, and if you see your local postman eating Almond Roca, kick him in the male-sack.

This just goes to show that you should never make any mistakes in your life. Obviously if one job fires you the scarlet letter is upon you for life.

OTOH, with them asking like that, they're probably too lazy to research it themselves.

So Liebridge, eh? Are we talking about America's Most Reliable? You should go work directly for them and make more money in Bellevue.
As soon as I get that time machine built from the plans I found in a 1952 Popular Science (it's tough to find radium paint anymore) I will go back and change some mistakes... I'm sure if I go back and quit the day before I was fired in those jobs, I'd be able to cover my tracks. And draw unemployment in those instances too! Once I got the resume cleared up, then I'd work on the personal interactions that went sour -- I'm not sure what I would have done during one particular girlfriend's stint in my life, but I know I would have been healthier by the time it ended. :)

I never lie on my resume or in my interviews. I just ac-cent-u-ate the pos-i-tive and spread a creamy fondant over the jagged edges.

I have no idea as yet what this party needing temps for 3-5 months is, no names have been mentioned. I'll get back to you on that.
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