Sunday, July 15, 2007

intermezzo: Schoolyard Singalong - "Retardation"

Years ago I had this wild hare up me bummie that wanted to put together a book of those songs we sang on the playground so that future generations of prats would not lose the oral history of childrenkind. I haven't bothered to line up a publisher yet and I would need to do some more research to get a broader collection than what was chanted at Outlook Elementary in the first half of the 1970's and Mount Adams Elementary in the second half... But here's the first entry into the volume, and I bet somewhere someone using Google will be happy I did it. I make no presumtion that this is the complete song, every playground is different.
[disclaimer: Heck no, this isn't going to be politically correct. Kids have no prejudices, meaning they will make fun of anyone and anything equally without any actual hate behind it. They're imitating their parents when they say certain words, never forget that. Do you remember a news story from a couple years ago where a teacher got in trouble for teaching his class the "Randolph, The Six-Gun Shooter" version of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer every kid in America has sung for the last fifty years, because it contained the line "Randolph, with your guns so bright / Won't you shoot my wife tonight?" Hypocracy, the parents who complained learned and sang it too. If you're easily offended, skip this blog entry and ask yourself, "what did *I* sing on the playground? and is it right to be angry if my kids sing those things too?"]

---------- Retardation ----------
Mental retardation
That's the game to play!

Take a pillow case
java retardationWrap it around your face
Go to bed
Wake up dead


Take a rubber hose
Cram it up your nose
Turn it on
Snots are gone


Take a bowling ball
Roll it down the hall
Hit your dad
Make him mad


verse by Richard Brandt or his elder brothers or their peers:

Take a cheater
And a peter-eater
Put 'em together
Make a header

(I asked him once around 1978 what that verse meant, and he said he didn't know. He's still my friend and we still don't know.)

Tune in next time I do this, whenever that is, when kids do terrible things to songs by Terry Jacks and The Royal Scotsmen with the help of my best bud from the first three grades at Outlook, Brian Hargrove. I have no idea where he got 'em but the age of the original songs should imply the playground versions were inherited.

BTW: Tip of the keyboard to Indie for risking his readers' life and limb in this post by making me link number quatre in his Russian Roulette game. New visitors: This post is not typical of my style... see the previous recent posts, or go to the beginning and wade through a year and a half. Curiously the post I like most out of my entire blogging history on this site is my second. Pretty much everything I've written since then, ehh, kinda sucks. ;-)

I've never heard that retardation song, and I am greatly offended by it!!!
(You KNOW I'm kidding.)

We used to say those books and authors such as:

Yellow River by I.P. Freely

Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Revenge of the Wildcat by Claude Balls

I STILL love those!!!!
I compiled a huge list of those when I was in junior high. Should have made copies before loaning it out since it never was returned.

"Miles & Miles of Little Brown Piles"
-- Scott N. Runn

"Come Again?"
-- Miltie Paul O'Gasm
In 1978 i was being exposed to harsh language.. apparently my father used to say "There's my [name] bug-f!@#er!"

Guess what my first words were.

In front of my arch-conservative aunt.

I do remember hearing a lot of very dirty jokes before I entered middle school.
Good times. I think my sister and I had a couple swear words among the first five to ten we spoke, courtesy of our pottymouthed parents.

Was super hilarious the time that my friend's 4 year old brother shouted out to the family dog, "Quit your bitchin' and moanin'!" His Mormon parents were rather shocked, but they couldn't feign not knowing where the tot learned that. (You and * are being cautious what you say around Nemo, right?)

And I think some of the best dirty jokes I ever heard or told were in the fourth through sixth grades.
You didn't hear the story from the other day?

She was driving and had someone cut her off. She said something she ought not to have.

For several minutes after, he enthusiastically repeated "Mommy f!@# car! Mommy f!@# car!"
Mental image of your son saying that is precious.

Mental image of your wife (or anyone, really) doing that... Well, guys always consider their cars to be an extention of their manhood, eh?

I worked with a girl who had some speech problem as a tot, pronouncing "tr" as "f". You can guess what this precious little waif sounded like when a truck would pass by.
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